A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
