my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
