Having a random hookup so left but love u
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
