9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
