I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
