Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
