My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I just put wine in my tea
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
