Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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