Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
