I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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