If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
