If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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