Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
