a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
