You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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