I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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