i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
