I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
