I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
