now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
