Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
