my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
