Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
