I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You don't make any sense
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