i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
