Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
