I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
