I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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