I cut my penus on the lid.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
