I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
