He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
