Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
