It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
