I hate your face
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
