I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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