I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
