why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
