please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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