Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
