What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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