my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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