just tell him i said nine months
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She announced her abortion via fbk
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
