Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
