And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
