I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
