So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
