capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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