Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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