How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
