I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
