i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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