ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
